The RAYGUN Guide To: Kids Breakfast Recipes.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! My sons are 8, 5, and 2, and I've found that there's no better way to start them off each morning than begging them to eat some eggs, settling on giving them cereal, watching them push the full bowl off the table because there was "Too much MILK!!!" and then me screaming "What is your PROBLEM?!" before heading into the bedroom to tell my wife that, "I'm gonna take my shower and go to work, the kids haven't eaten anything yet."
I wait for when RAYGUN's big enough that a business writer will do a profile where they ask: "So, Mike, what's your 'morning routine' for success?"
Me: "Oh, you know, the usual: awoken by small men just before 6AM, take their breakfast orders, scream at a 5-year-old, take a shower, stare off into space, then get to the office."
When I met my wife, I was under the impression that she was a "morning person."
Now she pretends to be unconscious and I'm in charge of breakfast.
As someone who never really cooked before having kids, I am here to tell you that just about anyone can half-ass breakfast with kids.
RECIPE #1: 
ingredients:
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon white sugar
1 1/4 cups of milk
1 egg
3 tablespoons butter
2 Band-Aids
directions:
prep time: 3 minutes
cook time: 5-15 minutes (depending on number of 3rd degree burns)
eating time: 1.3 minutes
clean time: 8-20 minutes
steps:
1) try and talk the kids out of something hard to make, like pancakes: “pancakes? don’t you just want cereal? … okay, okay, i’ll make pancakes, but give me a minute.”
2) gather ingredients. baking powder or baking soda? they won’t know the difference.
3) mix ingredients, explain to kids they can’t lick the whisk: “this isn’t cookie, dough, man. … no, don’t lick that thing!”
4) heat up griddle. try and avoid eye contact with the kids. if they see you see them, they may ask to help pour the batter, which did NOT end well for the cat last time.
5) start making pancakes, remind the kids that this is hot: “no, this is hot. this is— don’t touch! … goddammit. do you need some cold water on that? … here, let’s run some cold water over it.”
6) get a Band-Aid.
7) throw 3 pancakes in the garbage.
8) open a window.
9) explain what’s taking so long: “well, i had to get a Band-Aid for your brother. … no, these one’s aren’t burned.”
10) serve.
11) argue about who can pour the syrup: “at least let me HELP you pour the syrup.”
12) explain that if he’d worn pants, he wouldn’t have even gotten syrup on his penis.
13) clean up!
RECIPE #2:
ingredients:
1/4 cup all purpose flour
1 pinch salt
1 tablespoon white sugar
1 cup of milk
3 egg
12 slices of bread
7 Baby Wipes
1 bottle hand soap
directions:
prep time: 3 minutes
cook time: 10-25 minutes (depending on who craps their pants)
eating time: 0 minutes
clean time: 8-20 minutes (depending on how long it takes you to stare out the window and eat 12 pieces of french toast meant for your ungrateful children)
steps:
1) soak overnight. what? you think i’m Mario Batali? hell no. let’s make this fast.
2) crack some eggs, eye-ball the quantity of milk, then mix until it looks pretty mixed.
3) throw in the bread, tune out the kids arguing about who gets to sit under the table. mumble an instruction that will be ignored but still establishes you as the parent: “c’mon guys, let’s sit up and get ready for breakfast ... can someone set the table?”
4) put the soaked bread into a frying pan.
5) wonder what smells like shit: “guys, who is that? … it’s your brother? … okay then, hold on.”
6) remove a diaper filled with human excrement, wipe a small man’s ass thoroughly, now wash your hands and get back to food preparation!
7) throw away the burnt french toast you left in the pan.
8) open a window.
9) put in some more pieces of French Toast.
10) set the table: "can't you guys do ANYTHING i ask?"
11) serve
12) explain to them upon serving that THIS is what French Toast is: “what do you mean, the French Toast at Grandma’s house? …. in a box? …. NO, that is not French Toast, that is Cinnamon Toast Crunch and we don’t have that. …. no, we don’t have that, and please don’t tell mom that Grandma feeds you Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”
13) stare out the window eating a whole pile of french toast, listening to someone scream that you never have the right cereal.
RECIPE #3:
ingredients:
1 1/2 cups whole milk (heated to warm)
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tablespoon plus 1/4 teaspoon active dry yeats
3 3/4 to 4 1/2 cups unbleached flour
1 tablespoon kosher salt
3 sticks cold unsalted butter
special equipment: standing electric mixer
2 kitchen towels (not terry cloth)
1 ruler
1 pastry brush
thin sliced ham
raw sharp cheddar cheese
directions:
prep time: 30 minutes
active cook time: 1 hour
total time: 14 hours
steps:
1) a ruler?!? fuck that.
2) make toast with butter.
3) serve.
RECIPE #4:
ingredients:
1 cup of yogurt
1 paper bag
directions:
prep time: 2 minutes
clean up time: ? minutes (depends on how fast can you clean yogurt off the ceiling fan)
steps:
1) get yogurt for 2-year-old.
2) beg 2-year-old to let you help them eat.
3) put paper bag over your head, because watching a 2-year-old try and eat yogurt by themselves is as cringe-inducing as watching Mariah Carey lip-sync on New Years Eve
4) clean up.
RECIPE #5: 
ingredients:
4 eggs
1/8 stick of butter
1 box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
directions:
prep time: 2 minutes
cook time: 5 minutes
steps:
1) get out eggs and explain: “we’re having scrambled eggs.”
2) stir eggs, mixing in a hot pan: “no, you’ll like these eggs, i’m making them especially for you.”
3) continue to stir as eggs fluff up: “you can’t just eat cereal every day, buddy, you need some protein. these eggs will make you big and strong.”
4) turn off burner: “c’mon, why don’t you just try some. this will give you energy for the day!”
5) serve.
6) remove un-eaten plate of eggs.
7) serve Cinnamon Toast Crunch: “okay, here, eat this, whatever.”
8) stare at oven clock and mutter: “i just cannot do this today,” while you listen to your children continue the ceaseless debate about, "who farted?! did you fart? you're smiling! you did fart!"
....
outtakes: YOGURT WITH GRANOLA EATEN BY A 2-YEAR-OLD
3) put paper bag over your head, because watching a 2-year-old try and eat yogurt by themselves is as cringe-inducing as watching Mariah Carey lip-sync on New Years Eve.
... or: is as cringe-inducing as watching an old conservative Republican finish a sentence that starts with, "Well, the thing about rape is..."
... or: is as cringe-inducing as watching Donald Trump finish a sentence that starts with, "Now, not to sound like a chauvinist..."
... or: is as cringe-inducing as watching the fat guy ahead of you in line tell the barista, "You'd look so much prettier if you smiled a little bit. Can I get a smile?"
....
